Moms Get Lonely. Moms Get a Lot of Things.

Hello.

So I've had this blog post rattling around in the back of my brain for about two months. Buuut, it's just not easy writing anymore. It's kind of like that for a lot of things right now. Not easy, that is. And so now, it's 10pm. The boys are asleep. I've literally had the little one on the boob for the last hour. Yep. Hour. He sleep-eats. It's a thing. I should maybe be more schedule-oriented, but really? fuck it. He sleep-eats. I hold him. I think it'll be okay. The only one complaining, in fact, is me. Because I can't..what? blog? Haha.

I think I've just set the tone for this post. It's going to be long. And it's going to be rambling. And I think I'm one of about five people who will ever read it. Actually, I'm not going to read it. I'm writing it. Why on earth go back and read??! Okay!

First off....parenthood, man. It's a nightmare and your best dream come true. Once, when I had no kids, a lady on facebook said a thing. She said she was "mourning the loss of personal identity that comes with having children." And when I read it, I made a noise that sounded like "pshhhh." And I then I said to myself, "really? loss of personal identity? That's kind of...a lot." Fast forward three years. Here's me, youtube-ing how to cut my own bangs and then doing it while the toddler dips my toothbrush in the toilet and my 5-month old cries. I did this, and then I tidied up and put goop in my newly shorn head and even applied mascara. And then I cried. Because all that? The cutting, the primping? Was for nobody. I don't go see people. I cut my hairs so that the next time I need to take a leak I can see hairs that have been cut. Not. Even. Joking. I think it was just so that I could look at myself and assure myself that I'm still young-ish and can look cute sometimes. If I try. So yeah--the "loss of personal identity" thing? It's a thing. A real thing. And most of it comes from the inevitable isolation of mommy-hood. I may be more isolated than most; I stay home with our sons, I don't do playdates...like, ever. Okay, maybe once every 6 months or so. But mommy-friends are just...so not there for me right now. And it's not their fault. I literally know 2 mothers in the geographical region in which I live. And their lives are just so much...and my life is just so not in sync. But...it IS kind of my fault, because I'm too cynical/overwhelmed to get out and TRY. It's reality. It's life.

In a few years? Maybe I'll have that thing where where I'm there, with other humans who have tiny humans, scoping out the mommies at preschool like an awkward college guy scoping the single ladies at the bar. (Yes, I read that huffpost article). But right now? I'm lonely. It's a season. I get it. But that doesn't mean it's not still hard.

Then there's the boys. The tiny humans that eat up every single moment of my weird, crazy, isolated, blessed days. They learn like 80 new things a day. Seriously. And I get to be, sometimes, the facilitator of that learning. I get to look in their faces and see my own features or their daddy's and marvel at the cool "spin-off." I am hazel-eyed, dark haired. Dad is blue-eyed, blond. I got two kids with an amazing combination of our genetic make-up. Silas has the hazel eyes, with daddy's blond hair (and curls! whaaat?) And Noah has the gorgeous blue eyes, with my dark hair. Love that! And these are the days of firsts. Mostly for Silas, of course. First experience with crayons! First ride down the big slide! First tinkle in the potty! Everyday is another "first" with him. And just the other day, we got Noah's first tooth! I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be them. I have to manufacture newness for myself by chopping off my hair over the bathroom sink. They just wake up and something is different. Suddenly they know how do....x,y,z and it rocks their world.

So what's up with me right now? After almost 3 months of no updates? Well, it's up and it's down. And I'm not really an individual right now, but I am a mother and that's so huge. It's huger than I can comprehend. It's at once the most blessed thing I can imagine being and the hardest, most depleting thing. And I have no idea when I'll update this silly old blogspot again. Maybe it'll be next week (yes, this has been somehow therapeutic). Maybe I'll be in my mid-thirties, with two kids in the school system! I'd say stay tuned, but who am I kidding? If you're reading, yay! Thank you. If you care to check in again, yay! Thank you again. But really, this is just an outlet for me. I do know I'm not alone in feeling the things that I'm feeling, so hopefully it's an outlet that you, as a parent, can also relate to. But I'm not pretending it's anything more than that at this point in my journey.

Until next time, dears. Until next time.

Les Enfants et Vie

Hmm....update time.

The boys are doing great, first off. Something that I didn't anticipate when Noah was born, was how enormous having a newborn would make my 18 month-old seem! Well, the newborn stage was 3 months ago already; I have a three-month-old and a 20-month-old. Silas really is my "big kid" now!

It's funny having two kids. And stressful. And amazing. With the second, you take note of all the little (and big) development milestones with a twinge of nostalgia, remembering when the older kid reached them, but there's still some firsts because little-er kid is his own, unique person and does some things differently.

Noah is a [mostly] happy kid. At about 1.5 months, we hit a rough patch where he cried a lot, for long stretches at a time, and there was almost nothing we could do but hold him while we waited for him to get it out of his system. That's passed for the most part, although he still doesn't like to be anywhere but in my arms, nursing or bouncing. He's a very attached kid.

I'm loving that Noah's kept his pretty blue eyes (so far!). I always hoped we'd have the blue/brown, blonde/brunette distributed nicely in our kiddos! I also like how we got the blonde with the brown eyes in Silas and the brunette with the blue eyes in Noah! So cool.

Finally, I'm so happy we're hitting the more expressive stage of infancy with Noah now. He's smiling and cooing and responding to us a lot more, which is so great after the hours of shhhh-ing and patting and hair-pulling we were going through a few weeks ago.

Here's big brother at the park, where we had an little picnic about a month ago. What a charmer, eh? At least he knows a good photo op when he sees one. Lately he's having kind of a rough time--working on those 2-year molars. I finally sprang for one of those baltic amber teething necklaces. It's not arrived yet, but mommies I know swear the things are awesome, so I'm optimistic.

Silas is also working on his vocabulary. We tell people that he speaks his own language because while he's constantly "talking," real, intelligible words aren't part of it--yet. He has said a few things, though. Most recently it's been "hi" and "shoes." Neal says Silas knows lots of words (he does understand things we tell him) but is self-conscious about trying out real words out in front of us. Given this child's personality, I really think it's true. He used to get pretty embarrassed about falling down when he was learning to walk. And now, when he can;t figure out how a toy or other object works, he gets frustrated. But he's learning fast and figuring it all out on his own time and it's so much fun to watch!


So that's the kids...

Dad and Mom are doing well, too. We're looking into buying a house within the next 6 months to a year (did I just write that out loud?) and crossing fingers, toes, other things that it all works out. Rental property management companies suck balls, and our's sucks even more than most. Sleazy, no-good, lying bitches. Ahem. So, buying a house. Hopefully.

Neal is starting his millwright journeyman apprenticeship within the next couple months, and he's excited for a change of scenery in the woodmill. He'll be taking some machining and welding classses one night a week, starting in the fall.

Other than that, it's just your day-to-day stuff. I'm a shitty blogger, because I am too lazy (let's say busy, ha) to keep up an entertaining commentary on world affairs or pop culture or attachment parenting or the literary world, even though I am ruminating on any one of these topics on a daily basis. I guess my "involvement" consists of re-posting articles and miscelany on facebook these days. In the coming years, hopefully I can return to some of the academic and social interests that are parked on my back burners, but for now it's superficial social media and the rare blogspot update!

And hey--I've recently become an Instagrammer! If you just can't get enough of moi, send me a friend request at http://instagram.com/pagela

Until next time!

Noah's Newborn Photoshoot

There's going to be a lot of "shooting" around here. Now that I have the ideal lens for this kind of photography, the photo-ops are way more frequent!

Noah's Birth Story

Hey everybody! Guess what? We had our baby!

Noah Archibald Page 

was born March 20th, at 6:01 pm!

He weighed 7lbs, 3 ounces and

measured 21 inches long!

The following is our birth story. If you'd prefer not to read details about an unassisted labor and delivery, feel free to skip this post. If you're game, read on!

Matt Walsh, Savior of Puppies and Unborn Children

Ooh, look! I'm about to actually write a blog post ABOUT something!!

Several people I know read and subscribe to a blog written by a guy named Matt Walsh. I see his stuff re-posted to my facebook timeline semi-frequently and occasionally I'll click on the link and read his posts. Walsh is witty and humorous and at first I thought I liked him. And the thing is, I do like him. I just realized recently, that underneath the wit and good writing skills, the content is lacking somehow. Specifically, I'm disappointed with the way Walsh, a Christian guy writing about pop culture, parenting, gender roles, and miscellaneous other "hot topics" processes his thoughts.

I'll address just one example today, because it's the one that rankles me most. Below is a link to his piece about why abortion is like puppy-murder. Click and read through it if you want a more thorough run-down of the issues that are being brought up here.

I'll say right up front that the title of this blog post bothered me right away, but I slogged through, even though I'm pro-choice. I gave the thing a chance. But in the end, here's why it's a terrible and juvenile thing to compare abortion to puppy murder:

1. Who is really "murdering" puppies? This first point is incidental. I know very very very few people who murder puppies. Walsh first posted the picture above, a little of adorable yellow lab puppies, proceeded to relay a recent story from the media about a cop who shot a guy's dog 'for no reason,' and then compared that to mothers ending the lives of their unborn children. The cop who shot the dog was not engaging in "puppy murder." He was being rash and probably out of line, but not murdering a puppy. C'mon now.

2. Putting Fido "down." We ROUTINELY spay and neuter dogs so that puppies will not be born. Furthermore, when medical issues arise, we also routinely euthanize dogs. Both of these things, if you're going to carry the comparison to it's logical conclusion, is practically the same as "puppy murder," but Walsh doesn't go there.

3. Abortion isn't a casual, routine procedure. No woman in her right mind finds herself with an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy and jumps up and down in glee at the thought of going through with an abortion. No woman is exclaiming "yay, I get to end the life of my unborn child today!" And yet, the way people like Walsh describe these women, that's what you might assume.

Walsh claims it all boils down to a fundamental value of human life. But the truth is, we don't value human life at all. Just look around. Who values the quality of life of the mother who is already not able to make ends meet, is relying on welfare to get food on table, and has no emotional support system available to her? (by the way, the percentage of persons who fit this description, according the United States Census Bureau, has risen in the U.S to almost 14%). Once that kid is born, those who were most outspoken about "the value of human life at conception" turn heel and abandon both mother and child-- and not only that, but the same are often actively working in congress to limit what few resources states can provide to her and her child. But poverty is just one reason a person might consider getting an abortion. Instead of addressing the multitude of reasons women might have to consider ending a pregnancy, Walsh exercises his male privilege to speak for over half of the [less fortunate than himself] population, make gross generalizations, and boldly assert that "any" reason is irrational and illogical.

The bottom line, here, is this:

In all reality, we treat our dogs better than we treat our women and children in this country.

So it's a cute ploy (it's really not, though) but Matt Walsh needs to shove it. I don't care how you fell about the debate. The reasoning behind Walsh's post is silly and smug and doesn't cover the bases at all.

FIN.

*Your regularly scheduled posts about food and books and cleaning poop off of things can now resume.*

Photo Update

For Christmas I bought Neal a new lens for our Nikon D3100. This one is a 50mm f/1.8d lens, which is great for taking portraits in low light! Last week we took it out for some fun and got a few cute maternity photos, too!

Pregnancy Update

'ello again. :)

So it's just going to be a quick update on the life and times of the Page family, this time. Nothin' too special.

We're marveling right now about how fast time flies! While I've done my share of whining about this pregnancy and how I'll be pregnant FOREVER (this started around 5 months, fiy), it really has gone by fast in retrospect. I'm due in a little over a month. Well, closer to 2 months I guess. This is (assuming no surprises down the road) our last child, so I know I should just chill out. I should try to enjoy all the cool little things about pregnancy. Like the daily dance party in my womb. Seriously, this kid can kick! And...and...well, darn. I don't know what else. This pregnancy has come with headaches and heartburn and back pain and hip pain and braxton hicks. And those are just....less endearing.

Lately, the nesting stage has begun to set in. I have only one question, which I would like to address to mother nature on this topic: why, oh WHY does the "nesting stage" and the "beached whale stage" seem to coincide?! My mental resolve is there and my inner super-mom is pumping her fist crying "clean all the things!!!" However, my 7.5 month pregnant body is grumbling, "you seriously want me to bend over and pick up all those things?" or "you want me to climb where?" or "you want me to move what?" Ahh, well. I'm doing it. Slowly, but surely, this place will be ready for baby Page #2.

And yes, to the chagrin of many, it's still just #2 right now. We decided to let gender be a surprise. This means we have to come up with acceptable boy AND girl names. That has been a challenge. My husband likes only 3 names in the history of child naming. These are as follows: Laertes (it's Greek), Charlemagne, or Lilly.  Oh, yeah. He said he might also settle for Euremikas (it's Greek).

I'm thinking Emmett for a boy. Olive for a girl. We have a few weeks left to battle it out. ;)

Also....for those who have asked: We're not doing a shower for this one, but I do have just a few items listed on a baby registry if anybody is interested in checking that out. These are items we didn't get for Silas, but in hindsight, would have been super nice to have. Here's the link.

That was mostly just a pregnancy update, but that is kind of what's preoccupying our lives at the moment, so I'll leave you with that for now. Hope it was enlightening. In the next week or two, I might post some thoughts on some things I've been reading. (Here's a sneak!)